Conversations After Porn

For want of fuel a fire goes out.

Proverbs 26:20

Let’s get one thing straight.  I’m not an addictions counselor.  If you are so addicted to pornography that you can’t stop, no matter what, and you keep doing what you’re doing even though your spouse is threatening to leave you because you just got arrested after you went on a binge and you just came out of it six weeks later and you don’t remember the previous six weeks much ‘cuz it’s all a blur and during that period you don’t remember but you don’t believe you could have possibly have done it so your victim or victims must be lying but anyway he or she or he and she is accusing you of using pornography as a tool to perp on them and the testimonies of your children or step-children or the neighbor kids or the teenage girls from church youth group or the boys in your cub scout den keep popping up and lord, I couldn’t have possibly done all that, and you want to see me because you think it would help you to go counseling before you go to court, I’m NOT your guy.

Addictions counseling is a specialty.  People who are addicted can’t stop without considerable help.  Some people are so badly gone they don’t WANT help even though their life is absolute chaos and every person who knows them takes them aside and says, hey, you are ruining your life.  They are so deluded so as to think that all these stupid so-called loved ones are just a bunch of meddlers and control freaks.  To break through that sort of denial and self-lying and self-loathing you gotta be a little more feisty than me.  I’m too nice a guy.  I don’t see it enough to recognize all the entanglements.  There are people out there who do this kind of work, day in and day out, and there is a long line of success stories of folk who have received this help and kicked their addictions good-bye.  God bless these counselors.  They’ve got more tenacity and spunk than me.

So if I give you a success story about someone kicking porn use, it’s not gonna be from some recovering criminal or dude who masturbated two to four times a day for the last 15 years and the longest he’s gone without doing that is about 36 hours or some gal who goes through guys like you go through toilet paper when you have the runs for 3 weeks.  No, if I give you a success story it’s gonna be from average Joes or Janes, people who dabbled in it here and there or who had a proclivity or a propensity and thought it was fun for awhile, but then their consciences kicked in before it got hopelessly out of control and they woke up in the middle of the night and God was tapping them on the shoulder saying, “Hey, you might want to consider another way” or their bosses after catching them doing, you know, almost fired them or maybe they did or their spouses were hurt and were up all night the night before crying when they found the hidden stash in the secret folder in the portable hard-drive that no one was supposed to find or the Internet history that included a not-so-complimentary-record of momentary peeks of adrenaline, but now that the word is out the lure of all this fantasy is suddenly not so wonderful.

And if I give you a success story of some people who quit using pornography what would they be saying?  What would their spouses be saying?  Here’s a collage, an assemblage, a chorus of voices of what we would hear:

Therapist:  John and Deb, now that John has quit porn, how has that affected your relationship?
He:    I’m more present now.  Before I’d be in this other world and I couldn’t concentrate on anything for very long before my thoughts would go to, you know.
She:    Yeah, I used to wonder where in the world he was. He looked like he was in another world, spaced off.  It felt like we were a burden to him.
He:     I’m not as edgy now as I was then.  Or angry.  Everything used to bug me before.
She:    You wouldn’t believe the change.  I could tell when he was using it.  He’d be pissy and wouldn’t help and I couldn’t ask him anything without him getting all bent out of shape.  Now, he’s relaxed.  He’s helpful.  He asks what’s going on.  He looks me in the eye.  He wouldn’t look me in the eye before.  It used to drive me crazy.
He:     When I was using porn, I didn’t want to be with people.  I’d withdraw into a shell.  I wouldn’t want to even be with my wife or kids.  I’d rather be doing the other.  When I was with the family, my mind was elsewhere and so their needing legitimate attention would just irritate me.
She:     That’s a good point.  Now that you’ve quit using porn you are much more apt to ask the kids questions or talk with me about my day or tell me about your own.  It’s changed our whole family.  Before Daddy set the tone with his withdrawal.  We all walked on egg-shells.  Our daughter said to me the other day, “We’ve got our daddy back.”  And she doesn’t even know what her father has struggled with.  She could tell something was up, though.  We all could.
He:    I thought I could hide it.  The secret.  It’s such a lie.  It told me no one will know.  It told me what I did by myself would not affect anyone else.  I was so blinded.
She:    It wasn’t a secret, though, because I knew something was up.  When he’d do that stuff he wasn’t himself.  He wasn’t happy.   He’d mope around and complain a lot.  He was really a complete bore!
He:    Honey, I’m so sorry.  I can’t believe how deluded I was.  You are right.  It made me really depressed.  While I was doing it there was a temporary high and a forgetting of my problems, but then afterwards I felt like crap and completely unmotivated.  Other times I’d panic because I’d promise you or my boss that I’d have this or that done or I was doing this or that and I would have wasted hours and I’d try to do everything in just a few minutes.  It was a complete joke.
She:    When you think of it, you are really lucky you didn’t get fired.
He:    No kidding.  My boss pulled me into his office the other day and welcomed me back to the company.  He said I’ve gotten more done in the last two months than in the last year.  He told me my attitude was so much better and it was actually fun to have me around.  That was a nice compliment after all the risks I put him through.  He really went to bat for me.
She:    We all believe in you, Honey!  You are your own worst enemy when you do that stuff.  It tells you you aren’t worth a hill of beans.  We love you!
He:    (he cries)  Thanks, Sweetheart.  I can’t believe all I put you through.  I feel so fortunate that you are giving me another go.
She:    Well, when I’m perfect we’ll have to reconsider.
He:    Right.  (both laugh)
Therapist: So now that porn is out of the picture, how has it affected your sex together as a married couple?
He:    Oh, man, that is so awesome.  I can’t believe I believed the lie in society that fantasy and pornography will kick up your sex life.  It is so much the opposite.
She:    Yeah.  Before, when you would be active with porn, it felt to me like I was just a hole.
He:    Ouch.
She:    I know that sounds gross, but that’s the way it was.  You weren’t making love to me.  I could have been anybody.  You didn’t look me in the eye.  You didn’t take time to bring me along.  We were there for you and you only, like the wedding vow was changed from “having Thee only” to “having me only!”  It wasn’t fun at all!  I felt used.  I felt you were just using me to “get off.”  I feared you weren’t thinking of me, that I was just one of the bodies in your head or I probably wasn’t even in your head and instead of making love to me you were imagining this perfect body and that perfect body was somebody elses!
He:    I can see how you’d feel that way.  Sex with you wasn’t about connection and tenderness and love like it is now.  It was about excitement and newness and a buzz.  Now that I’ve stopped having my brain in la-la land and I’m actually looking at YOU and making love to YOU and seeing YOU and connecting with YOU lovemaking has taken on a whole new meaning.  I’m noticing how beautiful you are and how lucky and blessed I am and I’m filled with appreciation and when we make love it feels like we are sharing love and connection.
She:    I’ve noticed, too, you don’t gawk at other attractive women like you did before.  That used to be so obvious and it would drive me crazy.  You’d just stare at them.  How am I supposed to not be insulted by that?
He:    That was so insensitive of me.  I couldn’t stop, either.  It would just draw me like a magnet.  Now I still find women attractive, but it’s not an obsession like it was and I can appreciate their beauty and just move on.  It’s no big deal.
She:    I can handle appreciation.  I’ll pass on the embarrassment.
He:    I’m sorry.  I can’t believe how selfish I was.  It’s embarrassing to me to think of the hurt I put you through and the kids and all.
She:    Welcome back from the dead.
He:    It’s good to be back.