Porn and Oprah: This Time She’s Got It All Wrong

Dr. Wall rants against Oprah’s recent declaration that women need to kick up their sex lives with porn.

Having thee only.

Most of our wedding vows

The Oprah Show has never been on my viewing list, so I only know the following from reports, but when I heard it I had to get mad and say something about it because it’s a bunch of crap and some couples are going to be totally led astray by this falsehood and if they do what she suggests there are going to be broken hearts all around and then some of the couples will come to see me to help them pick up the pieces.

Reportedly, she had Jenna Jameson on her show, an adult porn star, and touted her as an example of female empowerment, because Jenna Jameson has found a way to continue to make beaucoup bucks all while selling her soul to the devil for the so-called American dream, at the expense of her dignity, personhood, and integrity. And then Oprah went on to say women need to quit being such prudes and spice up their sex lives with porn.

No way? She said that? How am I ever going to compete with Oprah?

You don’t want porn in your bedroom or anywhere else, for that matter. Whether you are alone or with your spouse. Nada. The whole idea of marital love is that it is just the husband and wife. The marriage bed is undefiled. Having thee only. We start adding images (modern day idolatry: Thou shalt have no other gods before me. Hello.) or other bodies (literally) and we’ve broken the invisible boundary that is supposed to protect the marriage. If a couple is using porn in their bedroom, he starts thinking about the images on the screen instead of concentrating on his wife; she starts getting insecure, because there is no woman alive who can compete with fancied up porn presentations. Not even the porn stars can live up to it. So they get plastic surgery and injections and suctions (As has Jenna Jameson. She’s not pretty enough as is, of course.). And when that doesn’t work they resort to drugs and alcohol and, tragically, for too many, suicide.

Great. So Jenna Jameson has found a way to make millions of dollars serving as a bad example and exploiting herself and other women and now we’re going to trot her out as an example of female actualization? Show us other women who have been sexually abused (as Jenna had been as a child) who have become doctors and lawyers or loving mothers and spouses. Talk about how porn ruins lives and distorts reality and makes people desire things they have no need or benefit desiring and it lures them into a pit of destruction that leads to exploitation, shame, denigration, debauchery, child-sex slavery, child abuse, divorce, insecurity, trust issues, self-image problems, addictions of all kinds, obsessions, firings, criminal behavior, loss of integrity, insatiable appetites, unrealistic expectations, arrests, physical abuse, perverted thinking, sexually transmitted diseases, bodily deformation through plastic surgery, death and absolutely screwing up marital sex.

That’s right. Absolute screwing up marital sex.

It’s supposed to be about you two. Nobody else.

You want to spruce up your sex-life with your spouse? Here’s an idea: Get rid of all that crap once and for all. Get some software to block it on your computer. Concentrate ONLY on your wife or husband. See how trust builds. See how loyalty climbs. See how integrity enters. See how faithfulness rebounds. Watch insecurities and hyper-jealousies leave. Notice love and affection return. Tenderness becomes normal and warmth an everyday occurrence. Notice how beautiful your wife really is. Marvel that sexual love between a husband and wife is this precious vessel that is supposed to be protected and when it is the whole aspect of our uniquely private sexuality is enhanced. Why? Because it is actually an expression of something! It is an expression of our love to each other. Nobody else. Nothing else.

But throw some porn in there and whattaya get? Now he’s not satisfied unless we do really kinky stuff. And he acts all pouty and even gets mad about sex a lot. He’s hyper impatient and demanding. He says he needs more sex. He’s just a sexual creature. How come you never want to be sexual? You’re so reserved. Quit being such a prude already. Hey, maybe we should get another woman in here. Or swap partners? Or try all these cool scenarios? Here. Watch this. This will get you’re motor running. Our sexual relationship is boring. Let’s do some of this stuff.

And every time he says these selfish, self-absorbed things, his wife loses a bit more respect for her husband. And herself. And she wonders what she’s missing because this porn thing isn’t doing it for her. And the more he pushes this stuff on her the more reserved and mad and exploited and degraded and depreciated and insecure she gets. It doesn’t float her boat. It sinks her self-worth to the bottom of the ocean. How can she be naked in front of her husband when he’s getting off on all that weird stuff? It’s like she’s not even in the room. He’s making “love” to what? And what’s he doing when I’m not around? And why aren’t I enough? Why do I feel like an object? I’m starting to hate sex. I’m starting to hate men. Is that all they think about? And if he needs that what else does he need? And what if he doesn’t get enough? Will our children find out? Will he abuse our children? Will our children abuse each other because this “no boundaries” stuff is hidden in our home? Now we have secrets? What else are we hiding? Why are we living in such a way that we have to hide stuff? Why do I feel exploited? Something is wrong here. This doesn’t feel like love at all.

And then he has an affair. Or she has one. Or they really do the swap thing and their whole facade comes tumbling down. Or he’s caught doing it at work and gets fired. Or another employee sees it and screams sexual exploitation. Or Jr. finds it and uses the ideas he sees on his little sister or his younger cousin or the neighbor boy and now the police and DHS are involved and somebody’s got to go to treatment.

You think you can play with fire and not be burned? Yeah, right.

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See Dr. Wall’s blog about sexuality AFTER pornography: Conversations After Porn.

In Wandering Eyes Dr. Wall advocates for keeping a boundary around your marriage whereas pornography promotes the idea that boundaries are bad.

In Boring Integrity Dr. Wall suggests that integrity is worth the effort, even though the perception is that integrity is boring.

In Porn Stars As Victims Dr. Wall exposes the darker underside of pornography and that all is not what the fantasy would have us believe.

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Dr. Bing Wall is a marriage therapist with a practice in Ames and Urbandale, Iowa.  To set up a time to see Dr. Wall click here or call 888-233-8473.  For more information about Dr. Wall click here.