Dr. Wall continues his series on sexual desire by discussing the effect of porn on men’s minds and how it devastates meaningful, mutual, marital sexuality.

The last couple of blogs I’ve discussed wives who are proud of the fact that they don’t want sex (here and here) can’t be dissuaded or influenced, and accuse their husbands of being sex fiends if their husbands are the least bit miffed at not having any say in the matter. I try not to pick on genders in this blog, because, so often, as soon as you make a statement about a one gender, there’s a person of the opposite sex that feels the same way. Now maybe there are husbands out there who take the same position, where they could care less if they are ever sexual with their wives again for the rest of their lives, maybe there is. I just haven’t met them. Guys don’t wear a lack of sexual desire as a badge of pride. The one’s I’ve met are sad about it. I’m thinking the women who have no sexual desire and are haughty about it, even feeling superior, could use a little humility, because maybe there could be some progress in the right direction if they had a little humility, but so far I’ve not figured out how to be successful with someone who’s right all the time. There’s no therapy for indifference, either.

Since I made a generalization about some women in these last two blogs, in fairness, I’m going to make some generalizations about some men today. I apologize ahead of time for taking these pot shots, because I haven’t met every person in the world and I’m sure, out there somewhere, there’s a woman who feels just like the guys I’m going to talk about today.

There are a few guys, thankfully, not too many, who are totally self-absorbed when it comes to sex. It’s like they are bound and determined to stay 14 forever. They interpret everything through sexual lenses and if they are not doing it, they are thinking about it and if they are thinking about it they are wanting it and if they aren’t getting it they are upset about it and mad about it and put out about it and they make sure their wives are privy and up to date on the state of their displeasure on not being sexual at this moment or the moment before or any unsexually stimulated moments in the future and they’ve even figured out how to be hurt in the future right now because by now they’ve figured out that their wives aren’t going to be sexual with them near the amount that these guys need, want, and demand and so even though their wives haven’t turned them down in the future yet, these guys are already resentful about it.

Now thinking about sex 24/7 is pretty normal for a 14-year old, but if you are 45 and still doing this, I would suggest that you get a life. There are 168 hours in a week. Let’s say, that, maybe, you are sexually involved with your wife an hour or two a week. Let’s add a few hours of cuddling and canoodling. That leaves 162 hours to do and think and plan and hope and ponder and desire and learn and reason about something else. I hope you’ve figured this out. The LORD gave you more sexual energy than you can possibly ever channel toward your wife and His intent was that you’d take that excess sexual, creative energy and use it for the greater good to be a blessing to the rest of humanity. If, instead, you take all that left over sexual energy and channel it toward your navel and further south, you will be taking this wonderful gift God has given you and flushing it into the sewer.

How do some guys become so adolescently locked into this sexual zone and can’t think about anything else? Again, I’m sure there are exceptions, and, other than God, no one will ever know for sure, but the guys I’ve met who sound like this, talk like this, convey that they think like this, are honing their thinking and expanding their horizons and channeling their creativity and inventiveness and talents and abilities into porn and squandering their lives in the sewer. If you spend your life in a cesspool, it shouldn’t come as a surprise that everything you touch, every person you influence, every thought you have stinks. I’d say stink to high heaven, but I don’t think God will let those thought up that far and for sure God won’t let it stink up in heaven. For sure.

Some guys (Please, Wives: Not all men do this!!!!) take their left over sexual energy and instead of channeling it toward creativity, inventiveness, problem solving, family times, work, hobbies, and fun, they invest (waste their life away) in pornography. Increasingly, more and more women are doing this. In any case, it’s a plague on our houses and on ALL of your loved ones, and particularly your soul, if you allow this poison to seep into the private recesses of your integrity and let it rob you of your dignity. It will make your wife feel you are having an affair with inanimate objects.  Eeeuuuw!  If you do this, the following math formula applies to you:

Porn = Selfish prick training.

Or what others might view as a perv.

A perv.

I really hope you can find something else to think about, because your manliness can only handle so much stimulation before it finally just loses it and then you’ll be sitting there with no tools and a brain that can’t shift into any other gear. Won’t that be a kicker? Did I mix metaphors? Hello! Are you listening?

I mean this literally. I’ve met men in their twenties, that otherwise are perfectly healthy, but because they’ve masturbated to their own navel for so long and so often they have no sexual energy for their wives AT ALL and they are sitting there with erectile dysfunction!! You are kidding right? You’re just more sexual? Right. Look at you. You’ve created your own idol out of your own hands and it’s powerless. It’d be funny if it weren’t pathetic.

Porn is selfishness training.

Porn locks your maturity up and throws away the key. It stunts your growth. This isn’t some myth like you used to hear about caffeine when you were a kid. This is the real deal. You want to stay immature? You want to be easily angered? Fidget a lot? No patience? No ability to see things from your spouse’s point of view? No self-confidence? Constant chaos? Always in a hurry, because you just wasted all those hours with your mind swimming in putrid scum and now you are trying to pretend everything is fine as you talk to your boss or your client or even your little girl, but your mind is engulfed in it’s own oil spill the just mucks up every thought, every gesture with boobs and vaginas? So much for looking someone in the eye and being confident. How are you supposed to hold your head high when you mind is drenched in filth? You, putting on an act, like you care? You can’t care when your mind is racing with that stuff and you know it. Your creativity just disappears. Your resilience is gone. You are angry way too much, because instead of nurturing self-control and character you are developing the skill of getting what you want when you want it how you want it and you want it now. You want that? Just do porn.

Porn will make you bored with your wife. How is she supposed to compete with 20-year olds? Thousands of them? Why would she even want to?!  You’ll make demands on her that she try this or that. You always have to do something new.  You’ll want her to do perverted stuff she doesn’t want to do and rather than enhance your lovemaking will just make her feel dirty.  Your wife won’t seem that pretty to you. You’ll obsess on her weight, even though, in the larger scheme of things, you’ve gained way more than her in your years together. What’s fair about that? You aren’t interested in fair, right? You are interested in you. You don’t want to be close to her. You want to have sex. And if you don’t, you’ll be mad, or pout or withdraw or get downright nasty. You’ll be so self-absorbed you won’t realize that this isn’t a very good way to enhance your wife’s libido. You can only induce your wife into sex through guilt and pressure and whining for so long before you train her that sex means nothing and the last thing she’ll want to do is spend intimate moments with you: Because it isn’t intimacy! It’s “releasing sexual energy.” AHHHHH! Like, you are a dog? What’s that make your wife?

Here’s another formula: The more you channel your sexual energies to porn, the less interested your wife will be in being sexually intimate with you. So much for you being more sexual! HA! The more you do porn the less REAL sexual contact you have with a flesh and blood person who loves and cherishes you, or at least did cherish you. It’s hard to cherish a perv. If you aren’t careful you’ll train her to hate both sex AND YOU!!!

Porn freezes your sexual desire into 18-22-year old girl zone or earlier, if you let yourself be really creepy, when your sexual desire for your wife is SUPPOSED to mature along with you two as you age. You are SUPPOSED to channel your sexual energy to your wife, and anything left over is SUPPOSED to go into creative juices to be a blessing to the world. SUPPOSED. Can I say supposed? Can I make a moral statement?

But these guys are very, very stubborn, as all 14-year olds are. And they are very, very miffed and put out that their wives won’t put out.

Which leads us to the crux of the matter: Porn teaches you that sex is about you, for you and that you neeeeeeeeed IT. I need, I need, I need, I need (quoting What About Bob)

Getting some, getting it. Sex is “it.” Not connection. Not tenderness. Not naked and not ashamed. Not mutuality. Not reaching out. Not vulnerability. Not sharing. Not making love with. Not looking into each other’s eyes. It’s a raw act. My feeling. My. My. My. Mymymy.

It’s pretty hard to reach out to a husband who’s arms are only long enough to hug himself. That’ll get old pretty quick.


Check out these other blogs by Dr. Wall in his series on sexual desire:

Part One On Sexual Desire: The Second Saddest Thing Said About Marriage

Dr. Wall suggests that marriages cannot stay warm and tender without regular sexual encounters between husband and wife, so if one person in the marriage cuts that life-blood off, that person is spelling the demise of his or her marriage.

Part Two On Sexual Desire: I’m Just Not The Sexual Type

Dr. Wall argues that the statement “I’m just not the sexual type” is simply not true and the sooner we figure that out, the better our marriage and our sex lives will be.  He warns that if we ignore this we do so at our peril.

The next blog in this Series on Sexual Desire is:

Part Four On Sexual Desire: Sexual Desire Run Amok: Swinging and Her Perverted Sisters

Dr. Wall continues his series on Sexual Desire by warning against the perils of going outside the boundary of your marriage to indulge in sexual pleasure. Swinging, and her perverted sisters, is anything but, and you “swap” your integrity for a life of chaos and misery.

Check out these blogs by Dr. Wall on pornography:

Porn and How to Make Your Wife the Problem*

Dr. Wall looks at the confusing messages pornography sends to wives when their husbands use it and explain it away.

Porn and Oprah: This Time She’s Got It All Wrong

Dr. Wall rants against Oprah’s recent declaration that women need to kick up their sex lives with porn.

Conversations After Porn

Dr. Wall presents an imaginary conversation between a husband and wife, after porn is out of the picture.


Dr. Bing Wall is a marriage therapist with a practice in Ames and Urbandale, Iowa.  To set up a time to see Dr. Wall click here or call 888-233-8473.  For more information about Dr. Wall click here.

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