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Flaying the “He will Never Change” Myth….Forever

A pretty common statement I hear from clients is my spouse will never change.  If no one ever changed, my office would be pretty empty.  We will change.  We do change.  It is inexorable that we are changing.  If you don’t know what inexorable means, let me tell you.  It means it’s impossible to change.  It’s impossible to change that you are going to change.  Even if you tried.

I don’t buy the idea that you never change.

A tragedy can literally change your personality in an instant.  There’s actual brain research on this stuff.  A bankruptcy, a death of a child, being sexually abused, a divorce, an affair, getting fired or laid off, a house fire, being a crime victim, a car accident, a rape, a heart attack or a cancer scare can literally change your values and what’s important to you and how you prioritize your life and how you see things in an instant.

There’s a verse in the Bible that says “the devil prowls around seeking whom he may devour.”  Ain’t that the truth?  And who’s he finding?  The weak, the suffering, the crime and accident victim, those that have lost everything.  See?   God is an ogre!  Look what he allowed!  What kind of God would have you go through this crap?

You can lose your faith in an instant and your destiny and you can change just like that.

Or, in the midst of heartache and despair you can fall on your knees and cry, “Be merciful, to me, O God, for I am a sinful man.”  Or you can do like Job when he lost all ten of his children and his entire fortune and all his possessions in a series of unexplainable and unimaginably evil and unrelatable events, all in one day:

“At this, Job got up and tore his robe and shaved his head. Then he fell to the ground in worship.”

You can bet Job was changed that day.  Just like that.  One day he’s cruising along in life managing his estate and enjoying the company of his large and thriving family and the next he’s laying on the ground with nothing to show for his lifetime of work.



Where are you going to go for comfort when everything you thought was dependable turns out to be hot air?

You’ve got the Devil smiling at you in his nice little salesman’s suit and his sleazy smile and he says, “Come in here.  Let us drink deeply of love till morning,” and it’s like he has a rock band behind him to emphasize his points.  And he mocks God and the very idea of God and he raises his orchestra baton in huge waving strokes for the rock band to play even louder and he’s holding his baton higher and higher to keep the sustain and you see the gates of hell before you open, beckoning, “come in here, come in here” and you see the smiling faces laughing and mocking God, but they look so happy and you are so sad.  And you just wanna be happy…

or you can hear the “still, small voice” of God in your mind’s eye if you will only listen.

A fork in the road.

Voices.  One is loud.  One is soft.

And you are changed forever.

Unfortunately, some folk aren’t changed for the better.

Others rise off the ground eventually and feel the hand of God on their shoulders, some, for the very first time.


Verses referred to:

1 Peter 5:8 “The devil prowls around”

Luke 18:13 “Be merciful to me”

Job 1:20 “fell to the ground and worshipped”

Proverbs 7:18 “Come in here”

1 Kings 19:12 (KJV) “still small voice”

Matthew 7:13-14 Fork in the road metaphor

Ecclesiastes 2:24 “hand of God”


Dr. Bing had an earlier blog on the “fork in the road.”  Check it out here.


Dr. Bing Wall is a therapist specializing in marriage and relationships and issues facing single adults with a practice in Ames and Urbandale, Iowa.  To set up a time to see Dr. Wall click here or call 888-233-8473.  For more information about Dr. Wall click here.

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