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Sexuality and Resilience

I think God is the inventor of sexuality between a husband and a wife, that he smiles when a married couple is sexual and that he fills the relationship with spiritual energy when the couple is sexual.  I believe He does this whether or not you believe in Him!  This is one of the many examples of God’s free grace to everyone: air to breath, food to eat, the love of family, the joy of work, the majesty of the stars filling up the night sky and the love of a husband and wife for each other are free to all of us from God’s generosity.

Let’s liken marriage to a basketball.  Marriage creates a boundary around a man and a woman who become husband and wife.  So let’s say that when a married couple is sexual, God fills the relationship with spiritual energy and let’s liken this spiritual energy between a husband and wife to a basketball full of air.  Imagine a young couple coming home on an airplane from their honeymoon where the two of them were sexual for a number of times.  When they leave to go home from their honeymoon, their relationship is full of air.

But on the trip home on the airplane, the basketball slowly leaks air.  They get settled at home and have to return to work and aren’t able to be sexual for awhile and the basketball slowly leaks air.  Then later, when the couple is sexual again the basketball once again is full of air.

A basketball full of air bounces off of things.  It is resilient. But as it leaks air it bounces less and less until, when the basketball is out of air totally, if you tried to bounce the ball it would just lie there.  It absorbs everything.  It is not resilient at all.

I’ve observed that when married couples are sexual on a regular basis they are able to bounce back from life’s challenges much better than married couples that are not sexual or rarely sexual.  Married couples that are sexual regularly have more humor, laughter, and teasing. They flirt with each other, have a lighter mood, a more forgiving and cooperative spirit and a greater sense of their camaraderie in a cruel world.  Quite frankly, they are in better moods!

In contrast couples that are rarely sexual don’t seem to be able to handle life’s challenges very well.  They are full of resentment and bear grudges.  They are short with each other, sarcastic, take offense easily, keep a record of wrongs, complain way too much, withdraw from each other and become roommates.

The biggest problem: They become indifferent.  It’s pretty hard to face that cruel world out there together if you and your spouse are indifferent to each other.  Sexuality keeps us interested!

And that would be good!


As a side note: I don’t view sexuality between a couple who is not married as a basketball full of air.  The basketball is a boundary around some air and marriage is the basketball!  With cohabitation there’s NO boundary, thus no basketball exists.  Sexuality with cohabiting couples is just two people sucking life out of each other, a man and a woman trying to get their own way and their own needs met out of the other person.  Instead of filling their marriage (which doesn’t exist) full of air and creating resilience, sexuality between unmarried folk sucks the very lifeblood out of each of them, creating instead two leeches sucking blood out of each other.  They tell each other they are doing nothing wrong, but just because you are driving a car it doesn’t make it yours unless you buy it.  Marriage is buying the car, signing on the dotted line.  Cohabiting is stealing the car.  It ain’t yours. (I just commented on this issue in more detail here.)


Dr. Bing Wall is a marriage therapist with a practice in Ames and Urbandale, Iowa.  To set up a time to see Dr. Wall click here or call 888-233-8473.  For more information about Dr. Wall click here.

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