Dr. Wall debunks a couple of popular ways people use to find their future spouses: in bars and online.

Commit to the LORD whatever you do,
and your plans will succeed.

Proverbs 16:3

Over the years I’ve had quite a few single people come see me about their slowness and lament in not finding a person they could marry.  The basic summary of advice I give to someone in that predicament is to:

Be the right person.  Don’t go looking for the right person.

In the course of your life, as you use God’s talents and abilities that he’s given you, the two of you will find each other.  If you are so panicky that the clock is ticking, who, in their right mind would want to marry you?  Desperate is not exactly attractive.  Having goals and a vision and a reason to live is.  Live your life as a person who knows God’s hand is on your shoulder and pray to Him that he might lead you to live out your life calling.  If you don’t know what that is, you’d better figure that out.  How in the world will you find a mate to go with you on life’s journey if you don’t have a clue where you are going?

PLEASE do not look for your spouse in bars and hot-spots.  Take the long view here.  You don’t want anyone who is so worthless, that they have to go look in bars for another like-minded, aimless person that can only have fun with a beer in his hand.  This is not the stuff of relationship bliss.

So where did you meet your spouse?

In a bar.

(Awkward silence)

Oh, so where is he tonight?

He’s at his AA meeting.

You’d be lucky if he’s at his AA meeting.  More than likely he’d be out in the garage adding to his beer can collection (He particularly likes them empty.  See my other blogs on alcohol and drugs and marriage here).

Here’s how it plays out:

Boy meets girl in a bar.

The sex it hot.

Boy thinks she’s the one cuz she’ll always be hot.

Girl thinks he’s the one because he’ll outgrow the drinking.  She’s already growing tired of it, so he must be to.

They move in together ( A surefire way to guarantee your future sucks.  See my many other articles on this subject here).

She gets pregnant.

He sheepishly proposes.

She desperately accepts.

She quits drinking, cuz she’s pregnant and motherhood is causing her to grow up.

He keeps drinking, cuz the prospect of growing up so fast is freaking him out.  He barely had time to party at all!

They get married anyway.  She’s banking on his growing up with parenthood and marriage and all.

He’s mad half the time, cuz she’s not ripping his clothes off any more.  What kind of crap?

She’s mad half the time, cuz he’s drinking all the time.  What kind of crap?

He drinks with his buddies.  At least they like him.

She scolds him at nearly every opportunity.  He needs to grow up.  Surely he loves her and is interested in her opinion.

He’s interested in beer.  And his buddies.  And sex.  And sports.  And having fun.  And sex.  And beer.  Why are you so upset I like beer?  We met in a bar, for heaven’s sake.  You KNEW this!  This is who I am.  Can’t you accept me for who I am?  I haven’t changed and now you don’t like me.  You are the one who’s changed.  You went from being hot and sexy and fun to frumpy and boring and mean.

She’s growing into womenhood with responsibilities and parenthood and bills and housecleaning and ….ahh….adulthood.  She’s growing away from him in spades.  All he thinks about is himself.

He expands to liking different kinds of beer.  How come she’s never interested in sex?  Was this a bait and switch?  All she thinks about is herself.  He likes being 17.

And PLEASE, PLEASE, don’t look for your spouse online!!!!  (See another article I wrote on this subject on my regular website here.)  And don’t date anyone who does!   As soon as you find out that your date, or this potential date, goes through profiles of other, so-called single people, online, run like the devil in the opposite direction.  Just what you need: A person who is so lonely and frantic that he wiles away his life by living a fantasy that no one, least of all himself, can live up to.  Because, guess what?  Chances are, after he marries you, he will still be lonely and frantic (Hello: You are not GOD!) and will need to go online to find other people to fantasize about, because he has trained himself for hours and hours and days and weeks and months and, sometimes, years, before he ever met you (You reap what you sow.  I’m not making this stuff up.) to fantasize about relationships that only exist in his mind, so why would he have a clue on facing day-to-day problems now, let alone you?  This is sort of like expecting the guy you had an affair with and later married to be faithful to you.  He cheated with you, right?  So why are you surprised?   Why would you ever trust him?  Of course!  YOU DON”T!!  And the feeling is mutual (And by the way, we could easily write the previous paragraphs changing “he” to “she”.)!

And PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE don’t think for a minute or even half a minute, that if you have 21 items of compatibility (or what ever it is), that somehow you will find this match made in heaven.  These “items of compatibility” are a bunch of crap.  Just what you need:  Someone who is LIKE YOU!!!  You absolutely DO NOT WANT a SOUL-MATE.  That’s missing the whole point. Let us all remove the words “soul-mate” from the English language.

Sex = difference

Look it up for yourself (See my link below.).


Go fish.


Sex \Sex\, n. [L. sexus: cf. F. sexe.]
     1. The distinguishing peculiarity of male or female in both
        animals and plants; the physical difference between male
        and female; the assemblage of properties or qualities by
        which male is distinguished from female.
        [1913 Webster] (Quoted here)


Dr. Bing Wall is a marriage therapist with a practice in Ames and Urbandale, Iowa.  To set up a time to see Dr. Wall click here or call 888-233-8473.  For more information about Dr. Wall click here.

To schedule an appointment with Dr. Bing in Ames, Iowa click here

To schedule an appointment with Dr. Bing in Des Moines click here