Dr. Wall expresses doubt that anyone who hurts his or her spouse really “loves” that spouse. 

She does him good and not evil
All the days of her life.

Proverbs 31:12

They really want to work on their marriage and are very much in love. They have two beautiful babies and they just want to put this behind them and get on with their lives.

Brooke Mueller’s attorney, Yale Galanter, after Brooke’s husband, Charlie Sheen, reportedly threatened to kill her with a knife on Christmas morning

The verse from Proverbs above, that she does him good and not evil all the days of her life, is a general principle for all spouses. I take the verse to mean that husbands should also do good and not evil to their wives all the days of their lives, too.ALL THE DAYS. We’re not going to have bad days where we purposely try to hurt, scare, threaten, or intimidate our spouses. ALL THE DAYS. If there is an exception to that, we end up with trust issues going forward. Or divorce. Or arrests. Or injuries. Emotional and physical. Or worse.

Unfortunately, if you let anger take over, anger will tell you to get even, and if your wife or husband says or does something mean to you, it will be very hard to not do so to her or him. Nevertheless, you have to stop the hurt.You don’t stop the hurt by hurting back. If you hurt him or her back, then you are asking your spouse to hurt you back and on and on we go until there is nothing left.

And please don’t tell me you got so mad or drunk that you didn’t know you that you nearly killed your spouse or choked her to death or stabbed her or _____ (insert your violence of choice). Please, do us all a favor and just turn yourself in to the police and ask to be imprisoned, because there is NO THERAPY for someone who is in a trance or a drunken stupor and completely oblivious. There certainly is no marital therapy for what to do if you don’t know what you are doing! You shouldn’t be married or anything else for that matter if you allow yourself to be completely out of control.

And please don’t tell me that she pushed your buttons. Are you kidding me? It doesn’t matter what she says,  You are responsible for what you do.There’s no therapy for that either. If we have to worry that at any given moment someone somewhere might accidentally “push your buttons” and now you are justified in doing whatever you do at that point, then you shouldn’t be out in society, let alone a father or a mother or a husband or a wife. Please do us all a favor and spend the rest of your life in voluntary confinement, so that you don’t run havoc on innocent victims.You are a menace to society.

Your job is to do your spouse and your kids “good and not evil” all the days of your life. If you can’t, then we have a serious problem here. If you tell me that you really love each other and then you nearly kill each other, then I’m going to tell you that your particular brand of love is not really love, because love protects and is not easily angered. To quote 1 Corinthians 13 directly:

It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged.

(vs.5 NLT)

That’s what real love does. If the love that you have tells you to get your point across by hurting your partner, this is not love. It is a counterfeit. Loving feelings, maybe. But those come and go. We’ll know you love each other if you seek the blessing of your partner, not that you seek to get your own way.

Love never fails

(1 Corinthians 13:8 NIV).

If your love tells you that it’s Okay to hurt your spouse when your spouse hurts you, then your love isn’t enough. It is counterfeit. You need the real deal. Real love. Real love protects. Real love sacrifices. Real love does not give up. Real love does not make demands. Real love serves. Real love sets an example as to what real love is.

You know you have real love when you do your spouse good and not evil all the days of your life.

And then, when you say, “I love you” it’ll mean something.

If your love doesn’t do good and not evil all the days of your life, do us all a favor and don’t say “I love you.”

_____

Check out these other blogs by Dr. Wall on anger and love:

The Dark Side of Anger

Dr. Wall explains that there are two sides of anger: a good side and a bad side.  We need to learn how to listen to the good side of anger and ignore the bad side of anger.

Revenge in Marriage

Dr. Wall writes revenge in marriage is all too common.  He suggests a better way.

She Done Good

In this blog, Dr. Wall comments on the same verse that he did today (“She does him good and not evil”) only with a slightly different spin.

Feeling Love vs. Real Love

In this blog, Dr. Wall contrasts real love verses the common notion of “loving feelings” and finds the latter coming up empty.

—–

Dr. Bing Wall is a marriage therapist with a practice in Ames and Urbandale, Iowa.  To set up a time to see Dr. Wall click here or call 888-233-8473.  For more information about Dr. Wall click here.

To schedule an appointment with Dr. Bing in Ames, Iowa click here

To schedule an appointment with Dr. Bing in Des Moines click here