Dr. Wall continues his series on living as roommates instead of husbands and wives by mocking the excuses people use to NOT be affectionate with their spouses.

I’m just not the affectionate type.

Roommates posing as husbands or wives

All of you clients who have ever told me that you are just not the affectionate type, please line up so I can kick your butt. What are you really saying when you let those words cross your lips or you listen to them in your self-absorbed brain?

I can never change.

I will never change.

I don’t want to change.

I don’t care if it’s important to you.

It’s all about me.

My feelings and ways are number one.

I want a roommate, not a spouse.

I will pretend I’m a spouse, but I’m not going to act like one.

Sacrifice is far from me.

I don’t want to be close to you.

I don’t care what you want or need.

I absolutely, positively will not reach out to you.

If you request affection you are a nag or a control freak.

Quit telling me what to do.

You are pushing me away.

If it’s not there, I’m not gonna force it.

This is symbolic of my general attitude that I am not going to grow or stretch or allow you to positively influence me in any way

What’s even more obnoxious is these same ______ (I’m trying to think of an adequate non-swear word here) love on their kids all the time. Kisses and hugs galore. I thought you weren’t the affectionate type? Oh, you mean, just not affectionate with this other roommate-looking-spouse. Oh, I see. He or she is your husband or wife, but you won’t treat your spouse that way because….

Let me count the ways I don’t love you.

I don’t feel it, you see. If I felt like loving you, I certainly would reach out to you and touch you. But we’re not close, you know. I’d have to feel close first. Then maybe I could touch you.

But I’d still be scared, because I wouldn’t want you to get any ideas. You know you can never stop. And I don’t want that now. I’m not the sexual type either. Yeah, it’s a bummer you married me (uncomfortable laugh). You need to accept me for who I am.

Okay. I will kiss you (It secretly repulses, scares me.). But at most I will only give you an Aunt Bertha kiss. You know, the kind you give Aunt Bertha when you say good-bye at Christmas. No blood in your lips. Tenderness is far from them, just like it is far from your heart (you don’t want to be a hypocrite, right? You don’t want to give the false impression that you actually CARE about your spouse, right? You don’t want him to think that you might actually have a thought of warmth toward him, right?). Make sure your lips are tight and pursed together. Only one, little point two seconds peck. Just a peck. That’s it. For added effect, make sure your lips are dry, too. And sigh a lot if he wants to kiss you. Make a big production about it. Roll your eyes. Act all put out. Make like it’s a huge sacrifice for you and she’s just pushing you away. That’s it. Convey to her you could care less. ‘Cuz you don’t! And only do it about once a day, like maybe when he leaves for work. Leave him with that cold, callous kiss, so all day he can fret that maybe you don’t love him. Get him all worried and everything. And when he comes home, be all busy and preoccupied so he can’t really find you and kiss you and don’t make any effort to reach out to him. And when you go to bed, roll over before she has a chance to kiss you. Or stay up later. Whew! She’s asleep. Finally. I only had to kiss her once today!

Welcome to Roommateville. No warmth in your kiss. No parted lips. No softness to their touch. No blood in your lips. Stiff. Cold. Practice now. Here. Practice on this anvil in the garage. Really, really short. That’s it. You’re getting it. No good-morning kiss. No good-bye kiss. No hello, I missed you and thought of you and longed for you kiss at the end of the day. No kiss just because. No surprise kisses. Nothing spontaneous for you. You’re not spontaneous either! No good-night kiss. No double kiss. I kiss you once. I kiss you twice. Maybe three times. Stop it. You don’t want to convey any type of meaning or closeness at all. And no kissing while making love. Ever (No eye contact either!). Or while sitting on the couch together. Better yet, no sitting on the couch together. No goodnight kiss. You’re busy reading or checking your email or paying bills or doing dishes or watching TV or rolling over and conveying that you are alone in the world and your spouse is just a nuisance.

For heaven’s sake. You don’t want to kiss your stupid roommate. That’d just be creepy.

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The first four articles in this series on living as roommates instead of husband and wife are:

Living As Roommates: Easy Ways to Destroy Your Marriage

Dr. Wall takes a sarcastic look at what it’s like to be married, living as roommates. Since this isn’t satisfying, people divorce in spades. Maybe they should have tried living as husbands and wives instead.

Contrasting Living as Roommates to Living As Husband and Wife

In this second blog in a series on living as roommates, Dr. Wall scoffs at the notion that living together is preparation for marriage and suggests it’s training each other to be roommates instead of husband and wife.

Famous Words Before The Divorce: My Kids Are My Number One Priority

This blog is the third in a series on living as roommates instead of living together as husband and wife.

What if Your Wife or Husband Was Priority Number One Instead of Your Kids?

In this fourth blog Dr. Wall continues his series on roommates vs. husband and wife by looking at the temptation parents have to invest in their kids and ignore each other. This is fine for roommates; not for husband and wife.

The next blog in this Series on Living As Roommates is:

Housekeeping Gone Mad

In this continuing Series on Living As Roommates instead of husband and wife Dr. Wall exposes how living as roommates carries over into the area of housekeeping. It isn’t pretty. Proceed with caution.

A Brief Primer On Cuddling

Dr. Wall discusses the importance of marital cuddling. Marriages without cuddling struggle with coldness and anger; those with regular, dependable cuddling are marked by closeness, connection and warmth.

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Dr. Bing Wall is a marriage therapist with a practice in Ames and Urbandale, Iowa.  To set up a time to see Dr. Wall click here or call 888-233-8473.  For more information about Dr. Wall click here.

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