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Part Seven On Sexual Desire: Using Sex and Communication As Clubs

Here’s an excuse that you can wrap your dead fish in and it’ll make the rest of your garbage smell like last Thanksgiving Dinner is out in your garage and it’s 95 degrees:

I’m just not all that interested in sex.

Or

I’m just not the communicating type.

Choose your gender. Choose your excuse. Better have your divorce lawyer on speed dial.

I like to be cautious about making generalizations about women do this and men do that, because there are always exceptions. So in the generalization that I’m going to make today, if you are the opposite, the dynamic still applies. I’m not so concerned on the gender as the pattern.

Here’s an observation: In marriage wives tend to be strong on communication; husbands tend to be strong on initiating sex. We won’t have much of a marriage if we don’t have both communication and sex. If your spouse won’t talk to you, you won’t feel connected. If your spouse won’t be sexual with you won’t feel connected. This isn’t a matter of either/or. It’s a both/and.

So here’s a very curious thing: Sometimes wives tell me they just aren’t the sexual type, that sex doesn’t do anything for them, they don’t think about sex and frankly, if they had their preference they wouldn’t ever have sex again with anybody, not their spouse or anybody else. They wear this as a badge of pride. They also insinuate by saying this that since this is who they are, it would be cruel and downright dastardly if their husbands has the gall to suggest sex with them. Can’t you see this is who I am? Can’t you accept me for who I am? If this is who I am and you want sex with me then you must not love me!! Furthermore, these same women make it apparent to their horny-toad husbands that if their husbands want to be sexual with these wives that these wives find that burdensome. You are just being a pest. Leave me alone. All you think about is sex. Sex is just disgusting and so are you.

If you are the type that likes to sucker punch your husband, this is a surefire way to do it.

But they are hypocrites. These same wives would NEVER accept their husbands telling them that they are just not the communication type, they never grew up with talking, they don’t have much to say, they don’t have feelings either, and the last thing they want to do when they come home from work is talk.

There’s not a wife in the world that would accept that as an excuse and be Okay with it. So why should any husband anywhere be Okay with hearing his wife say that he’s some sort of perv because he wants to be sexual with his wife? Why is communication fine and dandy and sexuality is dirty, Merty?

Think about this: How women feel about communication with their husbands is the same way husbands feel about sex. WE NEED BOTH OF THESE THINGS. We are both bringing our strengths to the table.

We need regular times of sex and regular times of communication.

Imagine going weeks without talking? How close would a couple feel? Why go home, just to feel rejected? So what does she do? She starts nagging him. Getting on his case. How come you never talk to me? Don’t you love me? You just never express your feelings. You are all locked up. You need to tell me your feelings. How do you feel? What’s the matter with me? You are just like your father. I can’t go on like this. You never tell me anything that’s going on.

Can you see where this is heading?

Ladies: If you were a guy and your wife talked to you this way would you talk to her? Hello.

I’ve tried for years to get him to talk and he won’t so I’m just done, I’m done, I’m done, I’m done. I’ll find someone who will talk to me.

If a couple does this on a regular basis, it won’t be long before she files for divorce.

Now, I don’t think she should file for divorce.Don’t get me wrong.I’m just saying I’ve heard a ton of wives use that an excuse.Sad, yes, but true.They are pretty stubborn about it, too, and will not be dissuaded:

Imagine going weeks (Months? Years?) without being sexual with your spouse? How close would a couple feel? If a couple has NO sex on a regular basis, it won’t be long before he files for divorce. Why go home, just to feel rejected? She won’t be sexual with me so she must not love me. So what does he do? He starts nagging her, getting on her case. How come you’ll never be sexual with me? Don’t you love me? You never express yourself sexually. You are all locked up. You need to show me that you are a sexual being. How come you’re not sexual? What’s the matter with me? You are just like your mother. I can’t go on like this. You never initiate sex.

Can you see where this is heading?

Men: If you were a gal and your husband talked to you this way, would you want to be sexual with him? Hello.

I’ve tried for years to initiate sex with her and all I do is get turned down. Over and over and over. I’m done initiating sex. Alright. I get it. She doesn’t love me. Why be married to someone who doesn’t love me? I know there is a wife out there who would be sexual with me, who would love me. I’m done, I’m done, I’m done.

Now I don’t think he should divorce over this. A better way to think would be to try to figure out what makes his wife tick, what he needs to do to bring this mystery out of her so she can ACTUALLY enjoy her WHOLE life, including this illusive sexual part. As the Song of Solomon says she’s a garden locked up. Where’s the key? That might be a cool thing to figure out. Maybe they could figure it out together?

All divorce does is institutionalize your personal pain and spread it around all of society, to stink up the rest of us.Okay, YOU’ve made it perfectly clear that YOU cannot be trifled with and if YOU don’t get YOUr way YOU will dump YOUr spouse and it’s YOUr spouse’s fault for not auntying up and doing everything the way that YOU wanted and if YOU don’t get what YOU want then YOU are going to withhold kindness, love, tenderness and anything meaningful because YOU don’t feel love anymore after all because I love you I’m just not in love with you and YOU are going to wallow in self-pity and forlornness and woeismeism and everyone can feel so sorry for YOU because YOU were married to a sex fiend or a creep that would never talk to you.

A wise wife knows her husband has a more difficult time sharing his inner thoughts than her. She’ll see this as a challenge. What can I do to bring this mysterious man out of his shell? She’ll discover that he will talk in certain circumstances, like when they are watching sports together or on a trip in the car together or when they go for a walk or after she teases him or encourages him or after the two of them are sexual! What? Sexual? He’ll talk to me after sex? It’s supposed to be the other way around. I want him to talk to me before sex!

Welcome to marriage: Give and take. Sometimes we have sex and then talk. Sometimes we talk and then have sex. Sometimes we just talk. Sometimes we just have sex.

This would be like, ahhh, normal.

A wise husband knows his wife needs a little coaxing to be sexual. He discovers by trial and error that just being sexual isn’t enough. She’ll tell him she needs some face-to-face time, that she’ll need to chat, that it would be helpful if he’s helpful. If he’s wise he’ll take her cues and learn what makes her tick. She’s different from him after all. She’s a mystery to him, a garden locked up. He has to figure out how to unlock the garden. It isn’t easy. It takes at least 25 years just to get the hang of it. That’s when it starts getting fun. The average divorce is 7.2 years. In dog years, we’re hardly even to first base. Patience, people! It takes a lifetime to figure this out. If you are smart, YOU WILL EVEN ENJOY IT!!!

Here’s a sure-fire way to have hell on earth using the direct route. You won’t even have to use the side streets. Just go there directly: If your spouse won’t talk to you like you want (your needs are most important, right?), then go on strike and test your spouse and quit talking and see how long it’ll take for him to say anything! Nurse your resentments while you do this. Take the key to your heart and throw it away.

Or

If your spouse won’t be sexual with you enough or she never initiates? Put up the old test. Don’t pursue sex at all and see how long it takes her to try to get your motor running. Put a chip on your shoulder while you’re at it and just dare her to try. Be sure to not tell her she’s being tested.

And then the longer it goes without you getting the communication or sex you need, just feed those resentments. Build up that wall. Close off your heart. Shut down your love. That’s it. Then tell him or her you don’t love him or her anymore and make it clear that it is his or her fault.

And then tell yourself that you have done nothing wrong, that your spouse doesn’t love you and that you married the wrong person and life’s too short and you deserve to be married to someone who will talk to you or be sexual with you.

Tell yourself this and never learn a thing.

This whole man-women thing is a mystery, a challenge, a quest. Quit being so offended by it. Buck up. Take up the challenge. Don’t give up. Learn from your mistakes.

We’re a nation of wooses.No one has any patience.No one has any fortitude.Nor perseverance.No wooing.No courting after the I-dos.No flirting or gentle teasing.No rising to the occasion.No hanging in there, figuring things out, learning from our mistakes.If you aren’t what I want when I want it, then I’m done.That’s it.Done, done, done.

Your husband won’t talk to you? It must be his fault. Your wife won’t be sexual with you? You must have picked the wrong person. Too bad for you.

NOOOOOOOOO!

He won’t talk to you for a reason. She won’t be sexual with you for a reason. It’s your job to figure that out. Yelling and putdowns and anger and chastising and threats and pouting and being mean and demanding and needy and clingy and smothering and withdrawal and shutting down and testing are NOT the instruments used to warm hearts. These push spouses away. Way, way away. And for heaven sakes, it’s hard to want to talk to someone or be sexual with someone who is locked up in the bedroom or on the computer or in the garage or with the kids all the time or at work all the time or drinking yourself into a stupor or hanging out with your immature friends all the time because you are so frickin’ resentful that your spouse won’t be sexual or talk to you.

And the absolutely LEAST effective way to get your spouse to be sexual with you or to talk to you is to nag at him or her.Telling your spouse he or she doesn’t measure up will just make them feel worse.Feeling you don’t measure up isn’t going to help you open up or loosen your inhibitions.

You might try the Golden Rule. Treat your spouse the way you want to be treated. Generously. Graciously. Gratefully. Gleefully. It’s stood the test of time. It’s much easier to be sexual or conversational with a spouse who is NICE, FRIENDLY, APPROACHABLE AND ENGAGING!!!!!!

 

Here’s hoping if you treat your wife or husband like you are a 13-year old, instead of being mature about it, that he or she is not a 13-year old, also, and can rise to the occasion and infuse some maturity and perseverance and patience and creativity and inventiveness into the situation. Then, maybe, over time and through your thick skull, some of that wisdom can filter over into your brain.

Here’s hoping.

Otherwise, if you are both 13 in maturity, you will self-destruct.

Most marriages between 13 year olds, I would guess, end in divorce.

Thirteen year olds refuse to grow up.

Divorce stops your maturation and freezes your selfishness into an institution.

You’ll be in Junior High emotionally the rest of your life:A real party on wheels.

What a catch you’ll be.

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