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Part Eight On Sexual Desire:  Boring: The Sex and Marriage Killer

Carol (the other therapist I work with) and I attended a workshop on affairs awhile back and the presenter told us that one of the driving forces behind affairs was excitement.It is way too true.Way too many people are having affairs.The opposite of excitement is boredom.Careful now: Way too many married people are bored with their sex lives.Exciting sexual encounters feed sexual affairs.It’s a cautionary note to all of us who intend to be faithful to our spouses.It can happen to the best of us.None of us is immune.Let him who thinks he stands, take heed, lest he fall.

Now I don’t think that excitement is a justification for having an affair. I’m sure murder and stealing are exciting and we’d never cut any thief or murderer any slack if he told us he did it cuz it was so fun. Hand me the handcuffs please. What a selfish jerk. Hello. Adultery stands smack in the middle between murder and stealing in the Ten Commandments. Look it up. Exodus 20. The big three. The big selfish three. Excitement ain’t no excuse for any of them no matter how BORING your life is. There ain’t no other excuse, either. EVER.

So we can stop with the excuses.

But that doesn’t mean we should relax and think it’s Okay to go on with boredom in the bedroom. Maybe it would be good to shake it up a bit. And no, I don’t mean pornography and having your wife dress like a whore and solicit sex from you at a bar. Who thinks of this stuff? Great. We’re going to enhance our sex lives by looking at somebody else, while we try to be intimate with each other or you try to imagine your wife is somebody else while you make love to her? How creepy is that? We’re not going to enhance our sex lives together by making it dirty and taking your spouse’s personhood away or getting rid of her altogether. This is the stuff of perversion and sexual abuse, treating your victim as an object. No, let’s stay away from that. That’s NOT what I mean.

But creativity wouldn’t be bad.Shaking it up a little wouldn’t be bad.

One thing you have to say about affairees…they are creative. I’ve heard waaaay too many stories. Earlier in my career, I used to ask about these things. Thankfully, I wised up and don’t ask about that any more. Whew. I still hear enough: They did it at work, in the car, at every city, county and state park you can imagine and in hotels spread throughout the land. And did I mention the car?

Well, ahhh. Hmmmm.Ahh.

Now this really isn’t fair, because your affairee doesn’t wash your underwear or nurse your babies or clean your toilet, or pay your bills or change your oil or buy your groceries or fry your potatoes or contribute to your retirement next egg or pay off your debts.She won’t visit you in the nursing home either.It’s easy to have excitement with somebody you don’t have all these obligations and expectations of and commitments with or you don’t know well enough to recognize his faults or shortcomings or proclivities and tendencies.It’s easy to be exciting when you don’t have a care in the world.So it’s really unfair to say that sex with a near stranger or with someone you have no shared cares with would be exciting.

Unfair indeed.

But between you and your wife or husband excitement would be good.Shaking it up would be good.Variety would be good.A different place in the house would be good.A different place altogether would be good.New lingerie would be good.A new look would be good.Unexpected would be good.More often would be good.More inventive would be good.More involved would be good.When’s the last time the two of you dolled up and went out on the town lookin’ good?When’s the last time you flirted with each other.Gave each other a pat on the butt?Winked knowingly and secretly to each other?Stole a kiss?You know.A real kiss.One of those holymoly kisses.Between you two.You two lovebirds.When and where?When’s the last time?

And ladies, I hope you don’t ever become so busy, so preoccupied, so prissy, so unapproachable, so self-righteous that you can’t just laugh and enjoy a good ol’ surreptitious pat on the butt.Maybe even give one.Yeah, you.

Oh, I couldn’t do that?Why not?Everything with you has to be predictable?Do you really, absolutely NOT want him to think about you in that way, ever?How many guys do you know that can go, oh, the next 40 years and never do that, let alone the next 40 minutes?He ain’t a sex perv, more than likely.Are you a conversation perv?All you wanna do is talk?Come on.You are mmmmmmaaaaaaarrrrrrriiiiiiieeeeeeedddddd.Your participation is required.It’s time to play ball and if you are going to play ball you have to get up to bat once in a while.Otherwise, the game is over.

Have you developed your own secret language? Your own knowing looks? It’s just between you two. No, your spouse isn’t going to write a biography about you and put all these scandalous things in it. It’s private. Just between you two. Secret. Your own private, meaningful, flirtatious secret. I’d give you some ideas, but it’s none of your business, knowwhatImean?

If you are the low-sexual drive partner, when’s the last time you initiated sex?Huh?When?How would you feel if you were the only one that initiated conversation?The only time your spouse talked to you is when you initiated the conversation?The rest of the time he’d never give you any attention?He’d only look you in the eye and give you attention if you initiated the conversation?How well would that work for you?

Is it any wonder men have ED problems in later life?Here’s my unscientific, clinical opinion on causes of ED:25% poor circulation and health, 25% fatigue and stress, 25% porn, 25% boredom and repeated rejection.

You can work on your health and diet and weight (Mostly. Sadly, there are health causes of ED you can’t do much about. You might see your doc about that.), you can work on reducing stress, you can quit the porn and fantasizing about sex with others, but to work on the boredom and rejection part you’ll need a spouse. Hello. Anybody home?

How many times can you get rejected until you say, Okay, I get it?

It’s time for both of you to kick it up.

It’s time for both of you to take this seriously instead of taking each other for granted.

Don’t just assume that everything in your marriage is fine and you don’t ever have to do anything to make your relationship meaningful.

And please don’t wait until the kids grow up or use the excuse that we have kids, therefore we can’t rip each other’s clothes off.By the time the kids grow up you’ll be out of practice or you won’t even care.Or somebody will have dumped somebody.Or somebody will have found somebody else.What?You don’t have time to have a little rejuvenated sex, but you have time to sneak around and lie and have an affair?You know how hard that is?Haven’t you heard of a quickie?How about a lock on the bedroom door?Or lock the bathroom door.The bathroom?Just a minute, sweetie.Mommy will be out in a minute.

Here’s a sex killer.Sure-fire way.Just suck the life out of your sex life without even trying.That’s it.Don’t try.Just lay there.Time after time.Tell him it’s Okay, but look and act bored.Or put out.Or uninvolved.That’ll kill his desire.For you at least.Desire won’t go away, just because you went on strike.Who are you trying to kid?

Here’s a sex enhancer:Mutuality.We both try.Two sticks rubbing together can make a fire.Two sticks.Two sticks.

Meaningful would be good. Shaking it up would be good. Initiating things would be good. Talking about it would be good. Flirting about it would be good.

Don’t wait until your spouse tells you he or she, ah, had an affair. There’s a lot easier and healthier ways to add excitement to your sex life than that.

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