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Why Should I Quit Porn?

In just asking this question, I have in my minds eye a young man, say about 30, who’s now married or thinking of getting married and he’s sitting on my couch by himself, say, and he’s leaning forward with his elbows on his knees and his fingers intertwined, like he’s praying, and he’s looking at me with a pleading look on the one hand and a please don’t answer the question on the other, because if I’m able to answer this question in any cogent way at all he knows he’s going to have to say goodbye to a friend that he’s depended on for comfort almost daily or even daily for fifteen years and it’s like pulling a dead puppy away from a little boy whose been crying over the dead puppy just a little too long and instead of growing up the little boy clings to the dead puppy for comfort, knowing that if he doesn’t let go he can’t become a man.

Every boy knows this.  You don’t need me to tell you.  In fact that would be the first reason to give up porn: you can’t become a man if you don’t.  I don’t mean the TV version of a man.  A man on TV sitcoms is shallow and selfish and short-tempered and petty.  No.  I’m talking about a man who has dignity and deserves respect and can hold his head high and can be proud, not arrogantly so that he pushes people away, most of all his loved ones, but proud in the sense that he has nothing to hide.

Nothing to hide.  That would be the second reason to give up porn.  The power of porn is the secret.  Porn tells you you have to hide.  You can’t be known.  If anybody knew your little secret the façade would come crashing down like the Wizard of Oz: “Ignore the little man behind the curtain.”

That’s what you are when you do porn: a little man behind a curtain.  The fantasy of porn is you are a big man.  Look at these robust images of pleading females just ogling for your flesh.  How come that doesn’t happen in real life, man?  I mean, little boy?  I had one guy tell me point blank (I didn’t even have to bring the subject up.) that porn was easier than having to have a relationship.   Yeah, ain’t that the truth: having a relationship.

That’d be a third reason to quit the stuff:  It’s NOT a relationship.  It’s training you to NOT have a relationship.  It’s self-worship.  It turns you inward.  You become your own idol.  The problem is you make too small of a god.  You aren’t big enough to worship.  You tell me, well, I’m not a Christian.  Okay.  Fine.  Here’s a non-denominational thought for your non-Christian brain:  Jesus said, the pure in heart shall see God.  So turn that on it’s head and what do you get?  The impure in heart will see ________?  Tell me what you see if you are impure in heart?  You’re not religious, right?  But you are impure?  You’d dispute that porn isn’t impure?  Are you kidding me?  Who are you fooling?  You actually believe this poison you’ve been worshipping is (can I say this?) pure?  Pure?

You know it’s not.  And if you tell yourself it’s fine while you drag your mind through the gutter you are a fool.  You don’t have to be a Christian to know you are a fool.  And impure.  And if you are impure of heart you are going to see something, just not God.  So go ahead, you non-Christian (or Christian or priest or pastor for that matter.  Porn is no respecter of persons) and tell me what you see.

That’s another reason to quit porn.  It tells you lies you believe.  You don’t really believe them, but then again you do.  And you know it’s sucking your very life away.  Away.  Away.  Here’s a true story.  I could multiply it a million times if I had the time to hear all the stories.

There once was a man who hated his job.  The odd thing was he trained for this job and went to college and spent thousands of hours and thousands of dollars to become good at this job and there was a time when he felt really accomplished at this job because he was good at it, but, alas, it had lost it’s allure.

Simultaneous to learning his career he was also learning to cope with his problems by masturbating to unrealistic images of ungodly women doing contorted unnatural ungodly things.  It was like his career had two tracks:  One where he learned a respectful, fulfilling, creative career; one where he learned to frit away his time in the gutter.  When his job became difficult, as every job does now and then, even if you like it, he’d go to porn for a little buzz, a little pick-me-up, and he’d feel better for a little while, but he couldn’t get back to his work, because he’d trained his mind to want to wander into the gutter along with all the ungodly women doing contorted ungodly things whenever his problems came to bear on his life.

One day his boss caught him looking at ungodly women doing contorted ungodly, unnatural things, right there in the boss’ business on the boss’ time.  This particular young man was lucky, because the boss could have fired him on the spot as a lot of companies have a one and done policy.  They don’t take kindly to employees coming to work, pretending to work and fritting away their time in la-la land.  It’s called stealing.  This would be another reason to quit porn.  Nevertheless, this particular employee had a gracious boss, who took the young man aside, who was used to coping with his problems by thinking of ungodly women doing contorted ungodly, unnatural things, and said, as much as he liked the young man, he didn’t want to pay the young man to frit away his time living in a fantasy world and if the boss ever caught the young man fritting away his life on company time again he would be immediately fired.

The young man (boy?) was very repentant, because, even though he hated his job, he liked the money, and fritting away his time with ungodly women doing contorted ungodly, unnatural things wasn’t important enough to the young man to give up his job and eventually live under a bridge so the young man gave up porn cold turkey.  He realized that if he was going to quit porn at work he had to quit porn everywhere because he couldn’t very well concentrate at work if he was continually thinking of breasts and butts and other private parts flailing around here and there.  He’d found that if he did it at home or on his cell phone at other places that even if he put his phone or computer away the images were still rushing through his brain like an uncontrollable flood and while at times he’d entertain these thoughts just to get through the day, he’d decided, on his own, without his therapist or pastor or anyone else for that matter telling him, that it wouldn’t be fair to his boss to be thinking of these ungodly women doing ungodly contorted unnatural acts instead of concentrating on his work even if he wasn’t looking at those types of things at work anymore.  In other words, his conscience kicked into gear.  This would be another reason to quit porn.

And an amazing thing happened.  Over time, even over a few weeks, he discovered his job again.  It’s like he’d been in a desert and didn’t know he was thirsty.  How he ever became so discontent he’d no idea.  This would be another reason to quit porn.  His mind cleaned up.  It no longer, or rarely at least, dipped into this fantasy world, and he began to concentrate on his work.  He saw he’d made errors on his job.  He saw he’d been incomplete.  He saw he’d been, basically, incompetent, because his job required him to be meticulous, but he couldn’t be meticulous, when he was thinking of UWDCUUT and various body parts going this way and that.  He realized the lion’s share of his discontent with his job had to do with his own failure to perform and be creative in his field and the discontent he felt so strongly was not really about his job at all, but about his own failure of character.  He came to this thought on his own without reading any fancy books on porn or talking to his therapist or pastor or anyone else for that matter.

He found that when he discovered these mistakes and oversights that he felt really accomplished for doing a good job and his enthusiasm for his job began to return.  He was thinking clearly and seeing there were a lot of things he’d been overlooking.  He thought of new ideas to improve things.  His creativity came back.  His passion for his work came back.  In fact, he no longer dreaded coming to work and liked his job again.

This would be another reason to quit porn: it takes your creativity away and replaces it with sloth, unfulfillable desires, discontent, impatience and anger.

Discontent, impatience and anger are the blood brothers of porn.  It teaches you to meet your needs now, instantly, whenever you want.  Getting what you want when you want it is only a click away.  I would submit to you that getting your own way when you want it will turn you into an unbearable prick which would be another reason to quit porn. 

And I haven’t even mentioned your wife (or future wife.  If you are not married, let’s not forget her.  That’d be another reason to quit porn) and how it devastates her and tells her she’s not pretty enough or thin enough or stacked enough or flamboyant enough or contorted enough because she’s very aware somehow these UWDCUUT somehow make you happy or you convey that to her by your judgmental comments now that your brain is steeped on perversion and multiple body parts too numerous to mention.  Having just two breasts, for example, wouldn’t really do it for it you, now would it?  That’d be reason enough right there to quit the stuff.  Really.

In fact, there are lots of reasons to quit porn.  We’ve listed a few.  Let me summarize:

  • you can’t become a man if you don’t
  • you can’t be a genuine person if you don’t
  • you can’t be open and have honest relationships if you don’t
  • you can’t be honest with yourself if you don’t
  • you can’t concentrate on your work or anything else for that matter if you don’t.  It literally robs you of your creativity and drive.
  • you can’t trust your conscience or be conscientious if you don’t
  • you can’t be productive if you don’t
  • you can’t be content if you don’t
  • you can’t not be a prick or control your anger or anything else for that matter if you don’t
  • you can’t relate to your future wife like you should if you don’t
  • you won’t be content with your wife and will devastate her or future wife if you don’t

But you didn’t need me or your therapist or your pastor or anyone else for that matter telling you, did you?

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To see Dr. Bing’s other blogs about pornography click here.

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Dr. Bing Wall is a therapist specializing in marriage and relationships and issues facing single adults with a practice in Ames and Urbandale, Iowa.  To set up a time to see Dr. Wall click here or call 888-233-8473.  For more information about Dr. Wall click here.

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