Ask Dr. Bing Podcast #14: Series Part 4: Is Perversion in the Marital Bed Ok? Healing from the Sexuality of Death and the Lies of Uncle Bob

One time I went through my current client load to see how many of my clients had struggles around sexuality of any kind (previous rape or abuse, porn, affairs, open marriage, same-sex attraction, bondage, sexual crimes, and hurts around frequency and initiation, etc.) and discovered 70% of my clients had these things in their past or current relationship.  That actually seems a little low!  Maybe we’ve all had hurts in this area in some ways.  Maybe it just wasn’t the presenting issue at the time my clients saw me.

Sexuality is one of God’s greatest gifts to humanity, but the world, the flesh and the Devil (what I’ve called Uncle Bob in this series of podcasts.  To see and hear all the podcasts and blogs in this series click here) have made it one of the most hurtful experiences and darkest of ways to keep God’s blessing and God himself away from us.

You can scoff at the idea of God all you want, but the bottom line is you have no control over whether you can make yourself live another moment, let alone power to make it rain or cause a tomato to grow.  Every breath you take is God’s grace to you.  Every bird you hear sing, every flower you see bloom, every friendly smile and knowing look, every drop of rain is God’s grace to you.

And whether you believe in God or not He infuses your marriage with spiritual joy and energy and pulses it with forgiveness and tenderness and connection and oneness and purpose every time you and your husband or wife engage in sexual oneness together.  God invented sexuality between a husband and wife, in part, to give you a tiny peek into the glories of heaven.  And He freely says to all of humanity, go, thou, and drink from the well of the Sexuality of Life.  He’s a very generous God.  None of us deserve any of it and yet…

But Uncle Bob has come to us in many guises telling us sexuality in marriage between a husband and a wife is not enough.  You have to spice it up, kick it up, experiment with it, bring in other bodies of whatever gender, real or imagined, married or not, young or old, the more the merrier.  If sex in marriage between a husband and wife (I have to define that because Uncle Bob has lied to us all and told us marriage between a husband and wife is not necessary, it’s boring or bad or too exclusive a club, even discriminatory.  You’ve got to hand it to Uncle Bob: he’s pretty devious.) is a nice thing, imagine what could happen if we had this or this or this or this?

It’s the same old lie that’s been around since the Garden of Eden.  “Hath God said?”  Who cares what He says?  He’s a fuddy-duddy trying to control you and hurt your style.  Why would God want to limit you?  You can’t eat from ALLLLLLLL the trees?  What’s the deal with that?  You think One God is enough?  Why not fill up the temple with one from every tribe and tongue and nation?  The more the merrier.  The recipe calls for butter, sugar and flour?  Kick it up!  Add bleach!  How about some poison?  How about a little horse manure?  There’s not enough variety in our sexuality.  More.  More.  More.  The leech has two daughters and cries, More, More, and never has enough.*

The lie of the Sexuality of Death is the Sexuality of Life isn’t enough.  So Uncle Bob convinces us to pervert the universal generous gift of God to all humanity and turn it into a river of filth and darkness and hurt and trauma.  Her offspring are many and many are the throngs who have gone down her street.**  Uncle Bob is not content to ruin your life and tempt you to sin with your body in this way.  Uncle Bob wants to recruit you to be Uncle Bob to someone else.

And thus we have the four ways Uncle Bob has introduced the Sexuality of Death into marriage between a husband and a wife in order to taint and pervert and destroy the life-giving nature of the Sexuality of Life.  These four ways are the subject of Podcast #14:  Healing from the introduction of perversion and the Sexuality of Death into your marriage.  The Four Ways are:

1) You were raped or sexually abused by someone else prior to your marriage.  Someone outside of your spouse was Uncle Bob to you.  If you’ve been hurt by the misuse of sexuality prior to your marriage (The Sexuality of Death) it is pretty common you will have some struggles adjusting to the blessing of the Sexuality of Life in marriage.   I discuss some ways to heal from this in your past.

2) Prior to your marriage you indulged freely in sexual pleasure of whatever kind: same-sex, porn of all flavors, multiple partners, masturbation to your heart’s content (which you will only be content for a moment and then the cry for “More, More” will awaken again to fill your empty soul) and whatever else your thirsty soul can imagine.  This behavior can be all encompassing and literally take over a person’s life.  It’s hard to believe someone would sell their soul for a little red stew like Esau,*** but Esau has good company.  How does a person put this kind of thing behind him for good?  I discuss some helpful ways in this podcast.

3) During your marriage your spouse has become Uncle Bob to you and introduced other gods into the holy temple of your marital relationship (e.g. porn, bondage, whips and chains, or other people or we don’t have to be married at all!).   How can you possibly heal from that?  Many don’t, unfortunately.  Others have found some paths and in this podcast I discuss some of those ways.

4) During your marriage you have been Uncle Bob and tried to convince your wife or husband that the two of you are not enough and there needs to be other gods in your holy temple.  Actually, you’ve denied marriage is a holy temple and you’ve made it a barnyard and you haven’t even been interested in hauling the piled up manure away.   Until now.  Until your wife or husband said enough is enough.  No more leeches.  No more sucking of life out of our marriage.  I’m done with your idolatry.  It’s me or the highway.  All of a sudden the Sexuality of Death doesn’t look so attractive.  And you are sorry you ever listened to Uncle Bob and you are repentant that you ever took up Uncle Bob’s mantra and you want to purge that poison from your life.  That would be a good thing.  I discuss some ways to get you started on that journey of healing and renewal.

Those are the four ways Uncle Bob ruins the Sexuality of Life in marriage and I discuss how to heal from each of those briefly in this podcast.  It’s an awful lot of information in a small package.  It’s meant to wet your appetite of the possible ways out there to heal and put all this hurt around sexuality away and embrace not only the Sexuality of Life in your marriage, but the Author of Life in your life.

A cautionary NOTE:  At the end of the podcast I offer a way to heal that goes beyond the here and now and touches eternity.  It is not for the faint of heart.  After all, Jesus himself said, “The pure in heart shall see God”**** which invites the comparison, “The impure in heart will see what?”  Right.  Sexuality is fundamentally a spiritual issue.  Instead of being Uncle Bob to you I’m trying to be Grandpa Fritz.  If you haven’t met Grandpa Fritz, you can check him out here.

Check out the Healing from the Sexuality of Death podcast today (click the podcast button below).  Share it with your friends.  The message needs to get out: There is a way to heal from the Sexuality of Death and the Lies of Uncle Bob.

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*Proverbs 30:15

**Proverbs 7

***Genesis 25

****Matthew 5:8