Thriving Couples Blog

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My Spouse is Leaving Me.  Can You Help Me?


This certainly isn’t the reason I went into marital therapy…to see couples break up.  It turns out I’m not a miracle worker.  Some folk come to see me too late to save things. It’s a pretty crazy time.  You have no say.  Your spouse is going to do what your spouse is going to do.  Her mind is made up.  He won’t listen to reason. You plead.  You cry.  You get angry.  You yell. You stomp around.  You quietly acquiesce.  You give up.  You withdraw.  You try with resolve.  You want to tell everyone.  You may even try to get your family members, kids, parents, friends, on your side.  You try being angry.  You try being nice.  You try to do those things your spouse complained you’d never do.

Nothing works.

You feel like you are going crazy.  You feel alone.  You feel guilty for the failure.  The failure of it all haunts you.  Your mind becomes a put-down machine, nagging you for your ineptitude, your short-sightedness, your selfishness, your inability to do anything.  You feel guilty for feeling guilty.

You panic.  You could easily do something stupid.  You may even do something stupid.  You may do a lot of stupid things.  Maybe that’s why your spouse is leaving you.  Old habits die hard.  You quit doing stupid things.  It doesn’t matter.  You spouse says it’s too little too late.  It’s seems fake.

And the pain.  The pain doesn’t seem to go away.  Most couples hurt each other more during the divorce process itself than they ever did while they were married.  You can’t split children.  You can’t split a dream.  You can’t split a future.  You can’t split a life together.  So everything hurts.  Everything.  Everything said or not said.  Ill-will is assumed and imputed.  Whatever you do is wrong.  Whatever you do or say is used against you to beat you up.

And then there’s those moments when your spouse is nice to you and you start to be hopeful again.  Back and forth.  On and off.  Up and down.  And then, BOOM!  Cold as ice.  You get more papers from your spouse’s attorney.  The cold stare.  The indifference.  The selfishness.  How could anyone be so cold?  How could I not have seen this coming?  How did I end up with a person who would rip out my heart so willingly, even gleefully?

Here’s the deal:  When you go through a divorce you enter the land of craziness, loneliness and failure.   You can’t really complain to anyone: family, friends, you children.  You don’t want to drive them away, but you need to talk things through so you keep your bearings and make wise decisions going forward.  We’re not lawyers, but we’ve seen these kinds of things numerous times and can help you through the process emotionally. We can be a sounding board.  We can be someone objective.  Nonjudgmental.  Encouraging.  Supportive.  A little reality check.  A little reassurance.

And, you never know.  There might be an advantage having someone give you a different perspective, a different way of doing or thinking things.  You can use this as an opportunity to grow and change and become a better person.  Sometimes things even turn around.  Not everyone who files or threatens divorce actually ends up divorcing.  And if both end up wanting to work things out we know the things that have to take place in order to reconcile: to rebuild commitment and trust.  To reduce fighting and increase meaningful communication.  To reconnect.  To heal and forgive.

Either way we can help.

Don’t go it alone.  Give us a call.

Need Individual Or Couples Counseling? Call 888-233-4334 or email

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